Couldn't help myself.

Question: "When's the last time your computer got YOU a date?"

Answer: Never, you bitch, because I don't date superficial assholes who judge me based on brand name.

Question: "When's the last time you ditched pathetic capitalist signifiers of personal success for a more qualified measure of personal integrity and worth than a goddamn laptop?"

Answer: Uh. Never, I don't know, let me use my laptop to surf the Internet and find out. Oh wait, never.

Question: "When's the last time your computer let you avoid your own mortality?"

Answer: OH GOD all life is hopeless! I should hang myself from this modular power adapter.

Question: "When's the last time I called you a bitch?"

Answer: See first answer. You bitch.