Reach out and touch someone...

...and then learn that person is a total dick, and spend the next 3 hours washing your hands with steel wool. What am I talking about? Xbox Live, my friends. Xbox Live. And specifically, Xbox Live and the multiplayer phenomenon known as Halo 2. For a long time I've played single-player only games. Mostly because they have a plot, and organized killing is always more fun than random. (This will seem contrary to those who know me. But for a creepy bit of trivia, I like playing Max Payne 2 with the Cinema 2 mod, and imagining I am an avenging angel. Michael. Only without a sword, and with a minigun to spray delicious lead. I don't know why. But it makes me excited.) Plus, the very nature of online play is as competition. And we know Americans don't handle it well. So imagine my surprise when my first few Halo 2 Live experiences were, all in all, pleasant affairs. Then, of course, the guy who I play as a guest on leveled up. We got decent enough that we started playing other people just as decent. And let me tell you, my roommate and I are apparently the only people at our level who aren't total fucking assholes. And I mean only. We got in a string of matches with some complete cocks. And a cool guy whose tag was "Jesus." Which made my roommate's exhortations of "Oh Jesus, what's happening?" that much funnier, because then he had to explain "No, not you, the ephemeral Jesus. The dead on--no wait, you're dead too..."

Specifically, to b3ng (and leetspeak is for another post): you are a total fucking asshole. Stuttering isn't something that will get better if you CUSS AT SOMEONE. Also, if you happen to piss someone off who is on your team, and then that person keeps shooting you, odds are, it's not "random." It's anything but random, genius. Maybe that person is shooting you because you're a worthless sack of monkey shit. I normally don't wish for miracles. Miracles are, as David Hume suggested, by definition impossible. But here's my wish.

Please please please, Jesus, when b3ng gets to the Pearly Gates, please stutter. Just once. It doesn't have to be real. And then when b3ng tries to come into heaven, remind him of this moment.

And then send him to Hell, where he'll be ass-fucked with sandpaper.

Please. Amen.